I didn’t think churches would talk about loneliness – but I’ve been blown away

At the end of last year, the World Health Organisation declared that loneliness is a ​‘global public health concern.’ For many in our world, this is a matter of life and death. The global phenomenon of loneliness is everywhere – even in our churches. At their best, churches are glorious crucibles of connection, but I would guess too that most of us have felt the ache of loneliness in crowded coffee times at the end of services and many of us struggle to progress beyond superficial conversation to the kind of depth of community that is possible.

At times, I have observed this in myself, it has certainly been prevalent in the conversations I’ve had with others, and yet I do believe we can do something about it. The stigma of loneliness needs to be tackled, and we need to create deeper cultures of friendship. And in some places, this is what we are beginning to see.

I began a journey of being captivated by friendship during the worst year of my life. The discouragement of publishing my first book the week all the bookshops closed in March 2020 was compounded and overshadowed by the terminal cancer and death of my mum a few months later. Two things accompanied me through the valley: faith and friendship. Grieving is never easy, but to do so socially distanced exacerbated the loneliness.

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I will never forget the slow, socially distanced walks with a few friends who reached out at that time. Over the months that followed, through research for the Evangelical Alliance, I asked countless people whether they had ever read a book, or heard a talk on friendship. Hardly any had. I became convinced that the heart and art of being the best of friends was one that we were seriously neglecting.

The research I undertook led to a couple of things. Firstly, I began to talk about friendship to anyone who would listen – in conversations over coffee, on platforms at conferences, in small groups of students and OAPs and from pulpits in churches. And as I did it resonated everywhere. People of all ages, backgrounds and stories talked of quantity over quality, superficiality over depth and a deep hunger for more. The second thing that happened is I wrote a book, The Best of Friends. This time around, the bookshops stayed open and we could celebrate with proper in-person launch events with canapes and cake.

One year on, the greatest achievement of the book is that it has raised the volume of the conversation on friendship, at a time when it has arguably never been needed more. What I am most encouraged by is the number of churches who have got in touch to tell me they are now teaching on friendship, and moreover, have been making intentional cultural changes to facilitate friend making in their communities – both between believers themselves and connections with not-yet-Christians. For almost a year, I’ve preached in a different church every week on the subject, led seminars and weekends away where people have committed afresh to deep relational connection, and I’ve eaten a lot of bacon while talking at men’s breakfasts.

Rev Sam Dunn, minister of Melton Mowbray Baptist describes his experience like this: ​“We have been engaging in building great friendships through our small groups, in special events, Sunday sermons, reading The Best of Friends and having Phil come and speak to us all. We have found that as a result the church is healthy, pastoral care happens more naturally and people’s wellbeing and spiritual growth have really come on.

“It is striking also how much the depth of relationship between us is cited as a reason why people want to know more about Jesus. The world is an increasingly isolated and lonely place, and friendship, Christian friendship as Jesus has demonstrated and shown to us, is the antidote.”

I love Sam’s story and hope to see it replicated across the nation. My hope for all of us in the UK church at the moment is that we play our part in bringing and being good news to a lonely and fractured world. I wholeheartedly believe one of the most significant gifts we have to offer is the simple act of being a good friend. Would you join me in making this happen and helping others be the best of friends? Whatever influence you have, would you teach on it in your church, study it in your book club, explore it in your small group? All of us can grow our relational muscles. All of us can develop skills and postures that enable deeper connection.

Our current landscape of relational poverty can change, and if it did, we would have deeper discipleship, a more united church, a more cohesive society, less lonely leaders and more followers of Jesus. Because, it turns out, the secret of eternal life is not what you know but who you know.

Phil Knox is the author of The Best of Friends. A small group video series from Right Now Media is also available from the Evangelical Alliance.